Life is tough.That could be a huge understatement.
What does it mean to trust God in the midst of confusion, uncertainty, crazy stress, relational strain, helplessness, poverty, sleeplessness, the possibility of death..? all of these things touch my life on a daily basis.
I own nothing. I sold literally all that I own to come here volunteer at this birth center. I have my bike, a small box of books, and some winter sweaters to my name at home. I don't even own a bed. I live in a house, in a culture not my own, with 12 people who come from wildly different backgrounds, different age groups, walks of life. The stress of this cannot be understood until experienced. I was clueless.
Midwifery is a vocation bursting with fresh, wet, glorious life. A new babe born into your hands. 1 body becoming 2 in front of your eyes. It's a miracle of miracles. But the threat of death sometimes hangs behind your shoulder and breathes a little too close for comfort.
I'm not gonna lie...it's scary as hell when a woman's placenta comes out followed by a small tidal wave of blood that doesn't stop and soaks your scrubs as you and your assist massage her fundus and inject the pitocin. It's times like these I thank god for pitocin...and anyone who knows me knows that I usually don't thank the good Lord for medical interventions regarding the birth process.
I wonder again lately what does it actually MEAN to trust God. To grow, know fullness and life abundant, even when you are feeling like life is crazy.
God doesn't ever do what you think He is going to do...that is maddening. I came here believing I was going to be a midwife working in developing countries in 2 years time. At this moment in time I feel like I'm being led back to the states in 2 years to serve homeless pregnant women in Portland. This has sort of turned my world upside down. This whole experience here is turning my world upside down.
And with faith, it all comes down to love. Do I trust that in the midst of the shitstorm and fire of life, God loves...no, ADORES me and that I am in His hands? That people I love are in his hands and His hands are good, capable hands? Hands worth trusting?
I have a 13 year old cont right now who is 36 weeks pregnant. She came to prenatals this week with a big infected sore on her nose. Her neighbors told her it was an "evil spirit" that attacked her so she never went to the doctors. Finally when she got a fever she went to the hospital and the doctor told her "look, you can see here that a rat bit you." She got bit in the middle of the night by a rat. And she is 13 and pregnant.
I have another mama who might have to abandon her baby because of financial circumstances. These are "normal" choices that women have to make in a world where social structures and systems sometimes leave them no choice. And it breaks my heart.
If you know me outside of the context of this blog, you know that I have been through alot in my life. Still, these questions always come and always hit the very core of what I believe and why I live the way I do. The Christian God calls us to follow Him into the suffering, messy, gross, heartache of the world. Why? Because He is love. He is not ashamed of what we are ashamed of. He is not scared of the things that turn us off the most. His ways are not our ways, and thank god for that, because my ways are pitifully weak and mean-spirited and tiny.
God calls us out, because He wants us to "live and grow and unfold."
What would it mean to have unwavering confidence in the love of God? Not just an abstract "God is love and love is God" kind of way...but that there is one GOD of the whole wide world and this God adores ME! Died for me even. Just as I am.
That, as the song goes:
"It goes beyond religion to my very circumstance."
(50 points to the person who knows that song without Googling the lyrics).
What kind of trust would that inspire?
Could I throw myself off the cliff of my own fear?
Could I accept people fully and love them, just how they are, without having to change them? Could I rest in trial and suffering and know the "peace that surpasses all understanding?" (Philippians 4:7)
"Abba, I abandon myself into your hands. Do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you. I am ready for all. I accept all.
Let only your will be done in me and all your people.
I wish no more than this, O Lord. Into your hands I commend my spirit.
I offer it to you with all the love of my heart, for I love you, Lord, and I give myself, surrender myself into your hands, without reserve, with boundless confidence, for you are my Father."
~Charles de Foucauld
I pray for even the strength to pray for something like this.
What does it mean to trust God in the midst of confusion, uncertainty, crazy stress, relational strain, helplessness, poverty, sleeplessness, the possibility of death..? all of these things touch my life on a daily basis.
I own nothing. I sold literally all that I own to come here volunteer at this birth center. I have my bike, a small box of books, and some winter sweaters to my name at home. I don't even own a bed. I live in a house, in a culture not my own, with 12 people who come from wildly different backgrounds, different age groups, walks of life. The stress of this cannot be understood until experienced. I was clueless.
Midwifery is a vocation bursting with fresh, wet, glorious life. A new babe born into your hands. 1 body becoming 2 in front of your eyes. It's a miracle of miracles. But the threat of death sometimes hangs behind your shoulder and breathes a little too close for comfort.
I'm not gonna lie...it's scary as hell when a woman's placenta comes out followed by a small tidal wave of blood that doesn't stop and soaks your scrubs as you and your assist massage her fundus and inject the pitocin. It's times like these I thank god for pitocin...and anyone who knows me knows that I usually don't thank the good Lord for medical interventions regarding the birth process.
I wonder again lately what does it actually MEAN to trust God. To grow, know fullness and life abundant, even when you are feeling like life is crazy.
God doesn't ever do what you think He is going to do...that is maddening. I came here believing I was going to be a midwife working in developing countries in 2 years time. At this moment in time I feel like I'm being led back to the states in 2 years to serve homeless pregnant women in Portland. This has sort of turned my world upside down. This whole experience here is turning my world upside down.
And with faith, it all comes down to love. Do I trust that in the midst of the shitstorm and fire of life, God loves...no, ADORES me and that I am in His hands? That people I love are in his hands and His hands are good, capable hands? Hands worth trusting?
I have a 13 year old cont right now who is 36 weeks pregnant. She came to prenatals this week with a big infected sore on her nose. Her neighbors told her it was an "evil spirit" that attacked her so she never went to the doctors. Finally when she got a fever she went to the hospital and the doctor told her "look, you can see here that a rat bit you." She got bit in the middle of the night by a rat. And she is 13 and pregnant.
I have another mama who might have to abandon her baby because of financial circumstances. These are "normal" choices that women have to make in a world where social structures and systems sometimes leave them no choice. And it breaks my heart.
If you know me outside of the context of this blog, you know that I have been through alot in my life. Still, these questions always come and always hit the very core of what I believe and why I live the way I do. The Christian God calls us to follow Him into the suffering, messy, gross, heartache of the world. Why? Because He is love. He is not ashamed of what we are ashamed of. He is not scared of the things that turn us off the most. His ways are not our ways, and thank god for that, because my ways are pitifully weak and mean-spirited and tiny.
God calls us out, because He wants us to "live and grow and unfold."
What would it mean to have unwavering confidence in the love of God? Not just an abstract "God is love and love is God" kind of way...but that there is one GOD of the whole wide world and this God adores ME! Died for me even. Just as I am.
That, as the song goes:
"It goes beyond religion to my very circumstance."
(50 points to the person who knows that song without Googling the lyrics).
What kind of trust would that inspire?
Could I throw myself off the cliff of my own fear?
Could I accept people fully and love them, just how they are, without having to change them? Could I rest in trial and suffering and know the "peace that surpasses all understanding?" (Philippians 4:7)
"Abba, I abandon myself into your hands. Do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you. I am ready for all. I accept all.
Let only your will be done in me and all your people.
I wish no more than this, O Lord. Into your hands I commend my spirit.
I offer it to you with all the love of my heart, for I love you, Lord, and I give myself, surrender myself into your hands, without reserve, with boundless confidence, for you are my Father."
~Charles de Foucauld
I pray for even the strength to pray for something like this.
2 comments:
Wow. Powerful stuff. No joke.
Praying for you babe, and I'm looking forward to meeting you one day and hearing your tales in person.
~SW
Hey Beth, I found your website on Google actually when I was looking for info on NewLife. I visit your page now often and just wanted to let you know that I really appreciate what you share and your honesty about life etc. Thank you.
-sheena
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